Why wait?

Lately my life has been stuck in a season of waiting. And the phrase, "if you are willing to wait" has come up a lot. Well, two times but in two very big ways.

We've been looking to move into a new apartment for a while (our first one of our married life, since we were sharing with roommates in Uganda and have been living with David's parents since we returned) and at the very beginning of October we found the perfect one. Once we did all the work of applying, getting copies of our licenses, pay stubs, and credit reports we finally go the word back. "If you're willing to wait a month to move in, it's all yours."

And two days ago I called Peet's to follow up after my interview and after being put on hold, was told that "If you are willing to wait 2 more weeks to start, we would be happy to have you."

Yes of course I am willing to wait for a great apartment and a fun coffee shop job at a place I love, but am I happy about it? No. I don't like to wait because I was brought up in a society that tells me I need things now. The snicker's slogan, "Why wait" is a perfect example of our culture's desire to satisfy our needs now. It instills in us that we are entitled to meeting our comforts and wants now and not later.

But isn't there significance in a season of waiting? Aren't there things to be learned and ways to grow during times like these? I know that I will appreciate my job and apartment a lot more because I have waited for them. But what does God want to teach me during this time? And what should I be doing so that I don't miss out?

These are the things I will be pondering for the next few weeks.

identity

I am so inspired by the message last night. Inspired to live in a way that is founded on the fact that I am a child of God and that my identity is found within him.

I am often guilty of living in a way that is defined by outside indicators. One day I can be so happy and confident and free, and the next I'll feel like I have no purpose, no drive, like I'm losing myself. But when I really think about it, it is because I have been finding my identity in what people say to me, what they think of me, what I think of me, the things that I'm doing, and the groups I hang out with. When I don't feel affirmed or loved, or successful, I assume that I'm not instead of assuring myself that it doesn't matter. I grasp onto both positive and negative feedback and allow those to define who I am, and it is constantly changing. But I'm done with that.

Towards the end of the sermon I felt almost a physical freedom just knowing that I am not defined by others, what groups I'm in, or even by what I think about myself. It's a faith issue but I just have to rest assured that I am identified by the way Christ sees me.

So now how do I live in that? What does that look like to be rooted in our loving God and find our identity within him? What does he say about me? What does he call me to?

I can no longer live for myself. I have been reconciled, my trespasses are no longer counted against me, I am a new creation, I have been entrusted to share the message of reconciliation. We are literally God's hands and feet on this earth, so why I am just sitting around? I have a job to do.

My motivation needs to change. What if I did what I do motivated by the surpassing worth of Christ Jesus and who I am in him instead of being motivated by the hope to be known or liked or loved? What if, like Paul, I counted everything else a loss for the sake of knowing Christ?

It's going to be a process and I'm not sure what it looks like, but I will start by focusing this week on being defined by the atoning work of Christ.
Who's with me?

FAMILY

Last night's sermon at Rock Harbor really hit home for me. Mostly because a lot of the ideas spoken were things that I was realizing and feeling earlier that day.

Lately I've been feeling kind of dry. Trapped in my own life and feelings and not really reaching out or attempting to care much about the people around me. I've been feeling stuck and without purpose which has made my focus turn inward and my attitude turn complacent.

Our first meeting as a group was rejuvenating. Not so much listening to all the technical stuff but glancing around the circle at new faces and talking with a few of you knowing that we were all about to start a new journey together brought me joy.

And then as the 7pm worship began I felt something I hadn't felt in a while. I felt alive. Drenched. A part of something bigger. Because I allowed myself to stop dwelling on myself. I allowed myself to look beyond me and see myself as a part of the whole. A slice (if you will). I was worshipping my creator along side a bunch of friends and people I had just met who were worshipping their creator and it was a beautiful thing.

I truly agree with what Jonny said about not being able to live the Christian life alone. It is boring. And stagnant. And leaves little room for growth. And I'm ready for something different. I'm ready to be a part of a family. To be vulnerable. To get to know you people and how to really care for you. And to find my part in it all and to allow God to grow me through relationships with all of you.

Because we need people. We need family. I need you. And you need me.

...if not for perspective

ok so i'm one of those people who likes things more for the packaging they come in. my favorite packages are the ones with little sayings or quotes. i can't get enough of them. dove chocolates, starbucks cups, good earth tea bags. they're great. i love them all. and i find myself eating more doves or getting another starbucks just for the sake of reading the saying and hoping that the one i get will be one that i have never read. it's kind of ridiculous how much i love reading these sayings for the first time. i mean maybe it's because i'm curious as to what could be good enough to make the cut to end up on this fine piece of packaging. or perhaps i am in search of a motto to live by...either way, it's an addiction and keeps me buying more, so props to the marketing companies.
the last good earth tea bag i drank read, "and why do we climb if not for perspective?" possibly one of my favorites thus far. and it got me thinking why do we do most things if not to see life from a new perspective? that quote could have easily said, and why do we paint/ travel/ listen/ run/ bike/etc if not for perspective? i feel like the times where life seems dull are the times when i am stuck looking at it out of the same old lens. i have to do something out of the ordinary and find another vantage point in order to enjoy the things around me.
so that's it then. my brain is stimulated by these simple little words. and with that i am off to drink a cup of tea. good earth of course. i wonder what that tiny piece of paper holds for me

"home"-sick

so i've been back in southern california for almost a month now and it's great. i love being back by the beach with close friends and being back at school...but i still find myself still missing so much about portland. it was only my home for a few months but i think that it will always feel like home to me. 

these are things that i miss most about portland..

choco chip/peanut butter nights with mar

hiking in the gorge

last thursday on alberta street

the view from my room

hood river

powell's

heather

the waterfront

people biking

my roommates

stumptown coffee

sweet potato fries

thunderstorms

my home community (the pearl)

mt tabor

farmers markets

kickball

trips to the coast

eastside p-town

sunday dinners

nw 23rd street

tea chai te

the max

imago people

my friends on sandy and 9th

the air up there

watching the planes land on the runway at night

the drive through the gorge

all of these things make me realize that i will definitely end up there someday...the question is when?

chicken soup for the... vegan soul

you've heard of these books am i right? chicken soup for the dog lover's soul...for the pre-teen soul...for the american idol soul. no joke. these are all real titles. and there are hundreds more that exist in our world today.

but why chicken soup? i'm not sure that would be my choice of sustenance to put on the cover of a book. chicken soup makes me think of being sick and not being able to keep down any solid food so this yellowish chunky nourishment becomes the last resort. why not apple pie for the soul or vanilla latte for the soul. those sound much more appealing to me. but perhaps i'm missing the point of these fairly popular books, i'm just saying that i would have gone about it differently.

my other question is why so many? i mean really, how does the ocean lover's edition differ from the beach lover's? and why is there a woman golfer's soul and a golfer's soul but not a man golfer's soul? and i'm convinced that right at this very moment somewhere, someone is creating yet a new chicken soup book. but perhaps this one will be dedicated to all of those trapeze swinger's souls. who knows. your guess is as good as mine. i'm pretty sure any title is possible except for maybe chicken soup for the vegan or vegetarian soul. that would be a bit contradicting.

..just a thought on a late thursday night

good mo(u)rning sun

yesterday morning i practically jolted out of my slumber due to the crazy bright sun coming through my ever-opened window above my head. a quick glance at the clock told me it was way too early to have my eyes open (6am) and when i finally pulled my lazy body from my twisted sheets to turn around and give the sun a proper good morning i silently scolded myself for not doing so earlier. the rising sun was straight at eye level as i gazed through my 2nd story window and i knew i had probably missed the prettiest view, but nevertheless i saw it and it was beautiful. seemingly overnight, the portland skies had grown hazy and smoky because of the california fires and consequently the sun burned a blood red; the clouds around it attempting to emulate the same deep shade and actually coming quite close in parts. it was almost as if the sun was bleeding as it mourned for the life lost in the california flames. it's crazy to think that the fires affected areas so far north. but what was devestating hundreds of miles away, positively affected things here and created something so beautiful in portland, right outside of my window, almost as if it were just for me to enjoy. and those people directly or indirectly harmed by the fire will never know how much beauty came from their pain. my delight in seeing the sun such a unique color was in no way worth the devestation caused by the fires, but pretty cool to see some sort of redemption.

..check out the tiny lady bug hiding in the flowers, no

doubt basking in the beauty